“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
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“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Netflix and scream at our children?!
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Love this guy
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.