if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
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I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun