What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
This is I, Robot all over again
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.