My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!