My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
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In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?