To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
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A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Finally, an instrument I can play!
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”