News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
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Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember