[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
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Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me