*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
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I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed