I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
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Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.