Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
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A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY