“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
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Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
The news in a nutshell.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time