Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Tier 3 meme
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.