*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
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We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.