Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
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Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.