[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
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“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.