The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Hmmmmm
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*