people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
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*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they鈥檇 do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don鈥檛 get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Broke my New Year鈥檚 resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
You can鈥檛 scare me. You鈥檙e not my child telling me that she鈥檚 tidied my bedroom and that there鈥檚 a surprise..
In India, when they say there鈥檚 an elephant in the room, there鈥檚 an elephant in the room.
Friend without kids: I鈥檓 so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Nooooooooo!!!
馃尨馃尶馃馃崁馃尦
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he鈥檚 going to kill you with a piano.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can鈥檛 have housekeeping thinking we鈥檙e slobs, Karen
Her: I think I鈥檓 going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that鈥檚 what it鈥檚 called.
HARRY POTTER: 馃檨
DUMBLEDORE: 馃檨
VOLDEMORT: : (
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
馃槀馃槀馃槀
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.