[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
You Might Also Like
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing