POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
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Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?