You Might Also Like
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.