Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
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Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Just a friendly reminder!
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Cool shirt 🙂
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.