Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
You Might Also Like
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
This classic never gets old . . .
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.