[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
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Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
God has abandoned us.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.