When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
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Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I’m having an out of money experience.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…