Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
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Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray