Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
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Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.