Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
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me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly