I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
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You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”