Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
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why count sheep when I can count my troubles
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.