Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
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When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.