count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
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“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭