Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
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I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
😏😏😏
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church