Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
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6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Become a minion. Get that bread.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton