6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
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boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I just ran a .003048K
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Hitlers gonna hitl
All is fair in drunk and war.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”