Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
You Might Also Like
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent