My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
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My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.