Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
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My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Stop being racist to kettles.