The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
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“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.