Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Yep.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”