My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
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If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey