[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Name another movie that mislead you?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Sing it!
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal