Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
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“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Owl Sanctuary
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall