As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
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Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Merica.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)