I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.