Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
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“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds