Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
You Might Also Like
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Tony Hawk, age 6
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
They grow up so quick
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men