Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
#JohnTravolta
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.