I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
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Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.