Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
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Close call…
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
the pigeons are already plenty salty
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field